Life & The Present

As the light faded Scully found herself seated in a boat tied to a small wooden jetty.

She couldn’t move anymore than her head and neck.  She was seated cross-legged with her hands resting in her lap; legs and hands all useless.  She looked around and saw the calm shores of the lake the small boat was floating on and the impenetrable forest wall surrounding it.  It was peaceful and quiet, but Scully felt restless.

“Tell me Dana, how do you die?”  Nurse Owens’ said from in front of her and Scully looked up to see her standing on the jetty beyond her. 

“Was all that real?”  Scully asked her.

“It could be the future or it might not be.”  Nurse Owens replied.

“You mean without me it might be?”  She shook her head in denial.  “No.  I have cancer.  I’ll die anyway.”  Scully insisted.

“Are you sure?  How do you die?” 

“I don’t understand.”  She whined. 

“Dana I can’t tell you the answer, you have to see for yourself.  Answer my question; how do you die?”  

“I don’t understand.”  She repeated.

“Then I can’t help you anymore, except to say that you’re needed and loved more than you know.” 

Nurse Owens disappeared and for a time Scully was alone with her thoughts.

“Hello Starbuck.”  Captain Scully said into the unsilent silence of the lake.  Scully looked up at him to find him sat in the boat opposite her.  She still couldn’t move, even though she desperately wanted to reach out and touch him.

“I’ve failed you Ahab.”  She told him.

“No.”  He reassured.  “Everyone needs a break.  This is just a short hiatus.”  He smiled and Scully smiled back through tears.  “Don’t cry.”  He said and he wiped them away.  Scully rubbed her cheek against his hand as best she could.  “Where’s my strong Starbuck?” 

“I’m tired of being strong.”  She said looking at her useless hands.

“We all get tired, it’s not a weakness.  It just means it’s time to re-energise ourselves and find our strength again.”  He sighed.  “I miss you Starbuck, but this is too soon for you to be here.” 

“I want to stay with you Dad.”  She cried.  He smiled sadly.

“I would love it to be that way Dana, but you… you have so many things left to do.”

“Even if I go back now, I’m still going to die soon.” 

“Therein lies the magic.”  He placed a hand over hers and looked deeply into her eyes.  “You’re a very special person.  Go back to the land of living.  They all need you and you need them.”

“I don’t wanna leave you again.”

“I wont ever be far away Starbuck.” 

“I love you Ahab.” 

“Go back.”

Captain Scully disappeared and Scully was alone with her thoughts again. 

“She’s going to die, isn’t she Fox?”  She heard her mother’s voice say and looked up to see her mother and Mulder standing on the jetty.

“She’s strong Mrs Scully.”  He told her with a tone that sounded more desperate than anything else.

“She’s seemed so tired lately.  So fed up with life.”  Her mother said.

“She’s gonna make it.”  Mulder insisted.  Margaret Scully smiled sadly and gripped Mulder’s arm.

“If you thought that you could keep her alive with just your willpower then you would try to, wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, but it isn’t my willpower keeping her alive, it’s hers.  That’s why she’ll live.”

“I hope you’re right Fox, because I love her so much.” 

“Me too.”  He said he drew the small woman into his arms.  “I love her too.”  He repeated into her hair.

They faded away and Scully was alone again.

It seemed longer this time and her thoughts were not pleasant to be alone with.  She wanted to be dead but they loved her.  She wanted to be alive but she felt so alone. 

All the time the spectre of her cancer taunted her for trying to believe that she might beat it. 

For daring to think that it might be as simple to beat as just believing that it was gone. 

Then again, the believing wasn’t easy. 

So it might just work. 

Don’t dare to think that destroying the cancer is as simple as believing it gone. 

Believing’s not easy, though. 

It might work. 

It’s not that simple. 

It’s not simple at all.

It might work.

It’s not that simple.

It’s *not* simple at all.

“Scully?”  Mulder’s voice asked and snapped her out of the thought pattern.  He was stood on the jetty with his hands by his sides, palms facing towards her.  “I hope you can hear me.  We’ve been here before.  I said then it was the strength of your beliefs that would keep you alive and I wanted to remind you of that.  Lately I know your beliefs have been tested to their limits and have been found wanting.”  He sighed.  “I understand how difficult it is to believe in something.  I have so many of my own doubts to plague me, but there is one thing I still believe in.  You.  I still believe in you.  Please Dana, if you can’t believe in anything else, then please believe in me.  Come back to us.  We can beat this thing.  You and me can beat it.”  He closed his eyes for a moment.  “Dana, it can’t end like this.”  He opened his eyes.  “I’m here for you.  I’m an insensitive bastard sometimes, but you know that.”  Scully smiled wryly.  “I can’t stop being like that.  I have things that I have to do and I know that they hurt you.  I wish it could be another way.  It wont ever be The Walton’s, but I can try.  I believe in you.  I’m here for you.”

“Mulder…”  Scully said and tried to move towards him, but found that she couldn’t.  “Damn!”  She couldn’t move.  There was a loud cracking noise and Scully’s eyes went to the rope that was tying the boat to the jetty.  It was starting to break.  “No..”  Scully gasped and tried to move again.  “I want to live.”

“Grab the rope Dana.”  Melissa’s voice said from next to her.  Scully looked and found her sister floating just above the water of the lake.      

“I can’t.”  Scully told her.

“Yes you can.”  Missy insisted.  The rope broke a little further but Scully still couldn’t move. 

“I want to…”  Scully stated.

“Then reach out and grab the rope.”  Missy said firmly.  Scully tried.  She couldn’t.

“I can’t….”  Scully cried, straining to move.

“Dana, tell me, how do you die?”  Missy asked desperately.  

The rope rapidly unraveled, until it was held on by a single strand.

The answer popped into Scully’s head as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  She understood the truth and the meaning of it in that single instant.  <Thank you Mr. Bruckman.>  

“I don’t.”  She replied firmly and reached for the rope.  The rope broke. 

Scully grabbed the end on the jetty side before it fell into the water and was pulled out of the boat.  She wasn’t aware of flying or swimming but, for a second, she was aware of lying on the jetty.  Then nothing…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The hospital room faded in around her.  The antiseptic smell was the first clear sensation.  Then the bed underneath her.  Then the feeling of the tubes taped to her face.  She reached up and removed them without even thinking about it.  The next sensation was a sound; snoring, only light, but from next to her.  Scully raised herself up a little and saw Mulder asleep in a chair by the bed.  She smiled and laughed.  The sound was enough to wake Mulder up.  His eyes opened slowly at first, then he caught sight of her and they snapped open the rest of the way. He was standing beside her in an instant.

“You’re alive.”  He said in wonder touching her face.

“Give the man a cigar.”  She said hoarsely, not realising that it would be so difficult to talk.  She followed it with a rasping cough.  Mulder placed an arm around her shoulder and muttered soothing words.  “I’m not gonna die of this.”  Scully told him with a smile.  “Not of this cancer.” 

“Of course you’re not.”  He smiled back.

“I believe in you Mulder.”  She told him. 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

TEN DAYS LATER

Georgetown University Medical Centre

“This MRI scan is impossible.”  Dr. Bobbey told Scully.  Her brow creased in concern.

“Has the cancer spread again?”  Scully asked warily, she’d never felt better in her life.  How could the cancer be getting worse again when she was feeling so much better?

“No, that’s not it.” 

“Well what then?”  She demanded.  He shrugged and frowned.

“This scan shows no trace of the cancerous tumours.”  He stated at length.  “It’s impossible..”

“No cancer?”  Scully questioned in confusion.  “That can’t be.”  

“No, it can’t, but it is.”  He replied weakly.

“Are you sure you haven’t got the scans mixed up?”  There had to be a sensible explaination.

“Absolutely not.”  He said.  “I’d like to run some other tests, if you don’t mind?”

“No, that’s okay.”  She paused, then smiled.  “You’re telling me that the cancer is gone?”

He nodded and her smile grew without her being able to stop it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THE NEXT DAY

FBI Headquarters

Washington DC

Momentary fear stopped Scully outside the door of the basement office.  She was terrified that she would open the door and there would be that aching empty sore that Mulder’s office had been in her vision… in her imagining.  She was terrified that Mulder wouldn’t be there because he would be ‘polishing the stars’ with men and woman like Emeric.  She was terrified that her mother would be dead from a disease with a cure that was worse than the disease.  She was terrified that, the next time she saw Skinner, his eyes would cloud over with that awful black stuff.  That living death.  That all of humanity would be servants to extra-terrestrial task masters.  She was terrified that it might all come true. 

But she was alive and wasn’t dying of cancer.  She wouldn’t die until *she* was ready to. 

That was different and, if one thing was different, then everything else could be too.      

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